Confirmed: I have my audition for the University of Tampa on Thursday at 12:30pm.
I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Tracking back to junior year of high school, all I could talk about to my friends was how excited I was to get the hell out of Florida, away from the hot weather, and to get to New York, where a world of possibilities awaited for me. To attend Marymount, study acting, and be in the middle of everything. Be a 'starving artist'. And for awhile, it was really exciting. The hustle bustle of the city, the variety of cultures to learn from, the characters. The people in New York are unforgettable, like Vulcan, the wine bar owner from Turkey who can spin bottles up and around his back in all kinds of weird ways because he used to be a performance bartender in Turkey, with stories about how he would bang chicks on moving motorcycles in the summer in Malta. And one of the most giving, generous people I've ever met, moving from Turkey with $30 in his pocket, now with a successful, gorgeous business doing what he loves.
But somewhere along the way, I lost my drive and ambition in the overcast New York days and chilly nights. It seems like New York is almost built to party non-stop, with after hours bars, happy hours, cocktail lounges, restaurants and bars on every corner. And to a point, that can be a lot of fun, especially in your early 20's, but it's very easy to lose your focus in all of these characters, cocktails, and empty wine bottles, and the next thing you know you're waking up just in time every day for your shift, you haven't auditioned in months, and you can't even remember the last time you've been on a stage...
The practicalities behind my studies became harder and harder to manage. After acting classes ended at school, I found I wasn't studying performance, which is the one thing that I came to New York to do. And after that semester, which I spent writing papers for subjects I was completely apathetic towards, regardless of the quality, I found I wasn't able to attend after running into a huge pitfall of finances that I saw coming for months and couldn't fix regardless of countless visits to the financial aid office. Quickly, Marymount fell out of the cards, even though I am only a year and a half away from graduating and putting these undergrad years behind me and moving on to bigger and better things.
Truth be told, I don't really want to commit to anything professional until I've received my degree, if it all pans out in the immediate future. I still have to hear back from UT to find out the figures. But I'm thinking that I have a better shot at financial aid in Florida than in New York, and without have to worry about the added living expenses, as well as the impossibly large uncovered balance that I have at Marymount each semester, it will end up panning out. Whether or not this is better, I don't know. I know plenty of people that never received their degree that went on to do wonderful things. For some reason, getting a degree was always an important thing to me, even though a degree in theatre arts can only do so much for your career. I think my family has always rooted for me to make it, and I've always rooted for myself... so although it may be as much figurative as practical, the idea of completion has a sentimental value of success and overcoming obstacles that I feel will empower me later in life. Although, my wallet is already hurting looking at the loans I've taken out to make it this far.
It's been an arduous decision to make, as I have a full life in New York after being there for three years, and I will be cutting myself off from the limitless possibilities and auditions there. That will be hard for me to give up, but I feel like I have more to do before I can actually move on to the professional phase of my career. I've become comfortable waiting tables, although there's this undercurrent of intense yearning for something more. And it's something I'm not capable of getting right yet in my current situation. Acting classes are typically $200+ per month at any good studio, voice lessons $75+ for a half an hour, and to be honest I don't really have that expendable income for a school where I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket each semester if I plan on staying, which is bottom line impossible unless I want to spend the next four years of my life finishing three semesters worth of work.
So here's wishing for something better, the next step. I'm making all the moves, and hoping for the best. I want so badly for everything to fall in place and doing as much as I possibly can to make it happen. Let's see if it does!
0 comments:
Post a Comment