The Dog Days Are Over

Confirmed: I have my audition for the University of Tampa on Thursday at 12:30pm.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Tracking back to junior year of high school, all I could talk about to my friends was how excited I was to get the hell out of Florida, away from the hot weather, and to get to New York, where a world of possibilities awaited for me. To attend Marymount, study acting, and be in the middle of everything. Be a 'starving artist'. And for awhile, it was really exciting. The hustle bustle of the city, the variety of cultures to learn from, the characters. The people in New York are unforgettable, like Vulcan, the wine bar owner from Turkey who can spin bottles up and around his back in all kinds of weird ways because he used to be a performance bartender in Turkey, with stories about how he would bang chicks on moving motorcycles in the summer in Malta. And one of the most giving, generous people I've ever met, moving from Turkey with $30 in his pocket, now with a successful, gorgeous business doing what he loves.

But somewhere along the way, I lost my drive and ambition in the overcast New York days and chilly nights. It seems like New York is almost built to party non-stop, with after hours bars, happy hours, cocktail lounges, restaurants and bars on every corner. And to a point, that can be a lot of fun, especially in your early 20's, but it's very easy to lose your focus in all of these characters, cocktails, and empty wine bottles, and the next thing you know you're waking up just in time every day for your shift, you haven't auditioned in months, and you can't even remember the last time you've been on a stage...
The practicalities behind my studies became harder and harder to manage. After acting classes ended at school, I found I wasn't studying performance, which is the one thing that I came to New York to do. And after that semester, which I spent writing papers for subjects I was completely apathetic towards, regardless of the quality, I found I wasn't able to attend after running into a huge pitfall of finances that I saw coming for months and couldn't fix regardless of countless visits to the financial aid office. Quickly, Marymount fell out of the cards, even though I am only a year and a half away from graduating and putting these undergrad years behind me and moving on to bigger and better things.

Truth be told, I don't really want to commit to anything professional until I've received my degree, if it all pans out in the immediate future. I still have to hear back from UT to find out the figures. But I'm thinking that I have a better shot at financial aid in Florida than in New York, and without have to worry about the added living expenses, as well as the impossibly large uncovered balance that I have at Marymount each semester, it will end up panning out. Whether or not this is better, I don't know. I know plenty of people that never received their degree that went on to do wonderful things. For some reason, getting a degree was always an important thing to me, even though a degree in theatre arts can only do so much for your career. I think my family has always rooted for me to make it, and I've always rooted for myself... so although it may be as much figurative as practical, the idea of completion has a sentimental value of success and overcoming obstacles that I feel will empower me later in life. Although, my wallet is already hurting looking at the loans I've taken out to make it this far.

It's been an arduous decision to make, as I have a full life in New York after being there for three years, and I will be cutting myself off from the limitless possibilities and auditions there. That will be hard for me to give up, but I feel like I have more to do before I can actually move on to the professional phase of my career. I've become comfortable waiting tables, although there's this undercurrent of intense yearning for something more. And it's something I'm not capable of getting right yet in my current situation. Acting classes are typically $200+ per month at any good studio, voice lessons $75+ for a half an hour, and to be honest I don't really have that expendable income for a school where I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket each semester if I plan on staying, which is bottom line impossible unless I want to spend the next four years of my life finishing three semesters worth of work.

So here's wishing for something better, the next step. I'm making all the moves, and hoping for the best. I want so badly for everything to fall in place and doing as much as I possibly can to make it happen. Let's see if it does!

The Dog Days Are Over

Confirmed: I have my audition for the University of Tampa on Thursday at 12:30pm.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Tracking back to junior year of high school, all I could talk about to my friends was how excited I was to get the hell out of Florida, away from the hot weather, and to get to New York, where a world of possibilities awaited for me. To attend Marymount, study acting, and be in the middle of everything. Be a 'starving artist'. And for awhile, it was really exciting. The hustle bustle of the city, the variety of cultures to learn from, the characters. The people in New York are unforgettable, like Vulcan, the wine bar owner from Turkey who can spin bottles up and around his back in all kinds of weird ways because he used to be a performance bartender in Turkey, with stories about how he would bang chicks on moving motorcycles in the summer in Malta. And one of the most giving, generous people I've ever met, moving from Turkey with $30 in his pocket, now with a successful, gorgeous business doing what he loves.

But somewhere along the way, I lost my drive and ambition in the overcast New York days and chilly nights. It seems like New York is almost built to party non-stop, with after hours bars, happy hours, cocktail lounges, restaurants and bars on every corner. And to a point, that can be a lot of fun, especially in your early 20's, but it's very easy to lose your focus in all of these characters, cocktails, and empty wine bottles, and the next thing you know you're waking up just in time every day for your shift, you haven't auditioned in months, and you can't even remember the last time you've been on a stage...

The practicalities behind my studies became harder and harder to manage. After acting classes ended at school, I found I wasn't studying performance, which is the one thing that I came to New York to do. And after that semester, which I spent writing papers for subjects I was completely apathetic towards, regardless of the quality, I found I wasn't able to attend after running into a huge pitfall of finances that I saw coming for months and couldn't fix regardless of countless visits to the financial aid office. Quickly, Marymount fell out of the cards, even though I am only a year and a half away from graduating and putting these undergrad years behind me and moving on to bigger and better things.

Truth be told, I don't really want to commit to anything professional until I've received my degree, if it all pans out in the immediate future. I still have to hear back from UT to find out the figures. But I'm thinking that I have a better shot at financial aid in Florida than in New York, and without have to worry about the added living expenses, as well as the impossibly large uncovered balance that I have at Marymount each semester, it will end up panning out. Whether or not this is better, I don't know. I know plenty of people that never received their degree that went on to do wonderful things. For some reason, getting a degree was always an important thing to me, even though a degree in theatre arts can only do so much for your career. I think my family has always rooted for me to make it, and I've always rooted for myself... so although it may be as much figurative as practical, the idea of completion has a sentimental value of success and overcoming obstacles that I feel will empower me later in life. Although, my wallet is already hurting looking at the loans I've taken out to make it this far.

It's been an arduous decision to make, as I have a full life in New York after being there for three years, and I will be cutting myself off from the limitless possibilities and auditions there. That will be hard for me to give up, but I feel like I have more to do before I can actually move on to the professional phase of my career. I've become comfortable waiting tables, although there's this undercurrent of intense yearning for something more. And it's something I'm not capable of getting right yet in my current situation. Acting classes are typically $200+ per month at any good studio, voice lessons $75+ for a half an hour, and to be honest I don't really have that expendable income for a school where I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket each semester if I plan on staying, which is bottom line impossible unless I want to spend the next four years of my life finishing three semesters worth of work.

So here's wishing for something better, the next step. I'm making all the moves, and hoping for the best. I want so badly for everything to fall in place and doing as much as I possibly can to make it happen. Let's see if it does!

Decision Making

I've been in Florida for a few days now, just got back in on Tuesday morning and am happy to have some time off to evaluate things as they stand. Every day in life presents a new set of decisions to make. So, which path leads us to a better place? One of instinct, or of meditated thought?

In a reaction of instinct, it boils down to a flight or fight response. Which is better? To fight or to fly? If you lump it into two dense black and white categories like that, you can start to see who around you are the fighters and fliers in general decision making. And gradually, you begin to think of which is more appealing to you. The fliers enjoy a lack of repercussion, as in evading the problem, consequences cease to exist. There is, perhaps, nothing lost. But then again, there is no immediate knowledge of what you are missing out on gaining. Maybe only in retrospect. The fighters are constantly struggling to challenge, to gain, to fight for something. Because fighting is nothing without a prize... But to which degree is it appropriate? I suppose it is when the fighting outweighs the outcome of a situation, which can be difficult to judge. That's where the grey area comes in, which makes things much stickier. It's very easy to lump things into to general categories, but in a matter of decision making, it's not always that simple. Matters of circumstance, consequence, and strategy effect the outcome of any fight or flight. Maybe it is that simple. There are certain situations to avoid, but extended sequences of evasion lead to a path of jaded apathy. Once again, the answer lies in balance, and becomes part of the initial strategy.

Which brings me to think that meditated thought might be the way to go. But let's be honest, who has the time? In a crazy environment like New York City, you are faced with a million decisions a day. Frappucino, Latte, or Coffee? Which coincides more with my budget? Should I take skim, cream, or soy? Skim is lower in fat, but higher in sugar. And the cream tastes better, but the soy is healthier. But it costs fifty cents extra. Should I go out for a drink after work? Do I want to go to that audition tomorrow? Should I buy another pack of cigarettes or Nicotine patches and just quit altogether? Coke or Diet? Gin or Rum? Subway or cab? Appease the customer, or appease the boss? I'm not saying that all of these things have to be mutually exclusive, but it's too fucking difficult to really completely weigh in to the practicality of all of your decision making when you're moving at such a high speed. But there's something terribly mechanical about all of that. After a certain amount of coffee runs, extra shifts, days at the park, visits to the museum, it somewhat becomes a blur of mechanism. You take a minute to look at a Monet, and instead of examining the artistic value, a million ticker feeds are running through your brain about what the next day is you can do your laundry, drop it off or wash it, where you're having lunch, when to get on the subway in order to make it to work on time, when your next day off is, if you have time to fit in a workout, and then your phone vibrates with a text message, and another decision. I'm not saying that any of this is bad, but it does become extremely tiring after a certain point.

I think it's important to create for yourself a set of values to follow on a daily basis, which constructs itself into a routine of values that filters how these decisions are instinctively wired. If you're concerned about your health, find where you stand on these things. Don't smoke cigarettes, and if you do, find a way of quitting and figuring out a way to deal with future temptations, as they WILL arise. Don't make it a question for yourself, regardless of the pressure or the circumstance. You don't smoke. And hey, that's it. Easy. You eat healthy, then purchase foods that are healthier for you. If you're on a budget, find ways to incorporate healthier foods into what you already have. Buy fruits from the fruit stand, buy lower fat milk or soy substitutes. It's not that complicated.

Yeah, it sounds stupid and completely obvious. But for someone who has overanalyzed my whole life, finding the simplicity in every day decision making in place of a bigger picture has been a large revelation to me. I've given myself plenty of distractions, ideologies, and poorly founded precedents. To me, it's not a matter of "growing up", but accepting the responsibilities and repercussions associated with your everyday decision making. And that's why I think it's important to ask these questions. Because otherwise, we only end up going through the motions without really understanding why, which can easily turn into a repetitive cycle, or worse, a dead end. And at my age, that is the LAST thing I need. Because there is still a lot in this world that I wish to accomplish.

I don't know if I'm ready yet to make some necessary changes if I want to break the cycle I've fallen into, or if I'll ever really be "ready" for anything. I guess it's just as easy as, you have to go out and do it if you really believe in it. But hopefully, with the way things have been developing, I will end up once again creating a forward momentum towards my immediate, long-term, and ultimate life goals. After all, the clock is ticking, decisions are flying by a mile a minute, and you only get one life to live.