I went to go see the final dress rehearsal of Speed the Plow tonight with Glenn, and it was really great. I'm glad that I got to see it, as I'm doing a David Mamet piece in Acting II and was having a really hard time with the dialogue. David Mamet has a really weird way of writing, and having never read or seen any of his plays before, I had no idea how to decipher it and was having a hard time. I feel like this experience will definitely help me understand the language of the play and make it easier to rehearse with Kina. God I have so much stuff to do! These acting journals are driving me crazy.
I think I finally got to a breaking point with my ego. It almost feels like it disappeared in one night. Well, of course nothing disappears fully in such a short period of time, and we all have egos, whether we like it or not, but it was ground up to a point that it was either fight of flight. And it lost. I woke up the next morning feeling... what I can only describe as some sort of... flame... or something less cliche... in my chest. A sense of awake that wasn't there before. Something from a long time ago, that I remember feeling in middle school. That makes sense, though, because during and after 8th grade is when it all started getting really weird. My state of consciousness has altered greatly and I've been much more able to enjoy life moment by moment. On Wednesday, after musical theatre techniques, I stayed at school and just hung around, something I would've never done last year. And I was comfortable there. I just kind of took out my laptop and hung out. Saw Adrienne Gori and sat and had a conversation. And there was a connection between me and her that was something I haven't had in such a long time.
How can I explain this? In almost every interaction in the past year, there has been something inside my brain holding me back. Almost like every inconvenience that I'd experienced throughout the day, month, or week was building up in my head until my brain reached a flurry of dizzying concerns, thoughts, and analysis. Through this cloud, it was almost impossible to see anything rationally. Impulse spending, the complete inability to manage my money, to manage my own LIFE for that matter. And the saddest and hardest thing is that almost every interaction, casual or intimate, I almost completely shut out. I feel like... I was always trying to protect myself from actually feeling anything, although I did a good job of pretending like I did. There was no true connection, it was almost like conversation was a process... and having to look into the other person's eyes, and know that they're struggling with the conversation as much as I am, when I know that they're not like that... it's so painful. Almost like there's a wall between them and me. I've been trying to tear down that wall ever since I became aware of it, which wasn't too long ago. I've always had the notion that something was wrong, but didn't know what it was, and that led to a dizzying barrage of self criticisms. I'm noticing that I'm using the word dizzying a lot, and it's quite accurate. No wonder people said I was crazy.
I almost view this week as a Renaissance. In class, I don't have my hand up all the time, because instead of just word vomit, I'm actually listening to the people around me because I care. I'm not pretending to care, or forcing myself to care because that's what I know I have to do. I care. It's just there. It's SUCH a liberating feeling.
I looked back tonight on things I've written in the past, things I've recorded and said. It's almost like looking at a different person. Someone who... missed the point and was always trying so hard for no apparent reason. How stressful! No wonder nobody calls me. I take a whole lot of fucking energy. Almost already, though, I'm noticing a difference in how people are treating me. People that have always been around me are opening up to me in new ways, subtle, but noticeable. I've been getting phone calls from people I would never get phone calls from. And all of a sudden, I'm starting to see the same people I had a barrage of complaints and skepticism about in whole new ways. I am relaxed around them, around new people too. I understand now that no one is a threat to me unless I let them be. There's no reason that they should be. They've done nothing to suggest that they're a threat. I'm not talking about threatening people here, just normal people. I've always said that I've had social anxiety, now I'm starting to understand why.
Weeks like this remind me how much I have left to learn and how much growing I have left. It's almost like... I'm waking up and seeing the world again for the first time in years. I can only hope that the death that I was talking about before has already happened and I've experienced the extent of the pain that this process is going to incur... my worst fear is that I will wake up tomorrow back where I started. My hope is that, if for whatever reason that happens, I can just look back at this entry and remember what the peace of mind felt like, and let it all drop back into place. I don't want to lose this again...
