"Are You Okay?"

Yes, I am okay. Although, I could see what would inspire you to ask me that question. I was told recently during a tarot reading that I was reaching the death of a very negative, possessive state of mind. The tarot deck did not tell me this would be easy. Although, when has a death ever been easy?

I have, in the past, been subject to swirling, negative, rambling states of mind. A state of over analysis that has often provided an obstacle between me and what I wish to accomplish, whether it be something as simple as going to the gym, or something as important to getting a job to support myself. As the economy collapses around me, and everything else in the world seems to fail, I find myself in a state of renaissance.

The school year has presented enormous amounts of opportunity for me so far. In my first month and a half of being back, I have secured two jobs and have made more money in a month on close to minimum wage than I have in approximately 6 months of life during my senior year of high school. Last year doesn't even count because I created almost 0% of my own revenue, and completely relied on other people. I have signed my first lease, and completely moved into my very first apartment, which happens to be located in New York City, one of the most amazing cities in America. Although I emerge from these successes with credit card debt and an emerging and swelling existence of student loans, on a whole I am proud of where I am in my life.

I have often wondered what it is about me that fails me socially. Why am I not as socially successful as other people close to me? Furthermore, what is it inside of me that prevents me from accomplishing the social success of other? The answer is extremely complicated and simple at the same time: the answer is me. Me. I have been what stands in the way of everything. Me. It's a simple, small, two letter word that holds an endless expansion of connotation. Me. How much do I care about me? How does the amount of how I care about myself limit me from the expansion of caring about others? Afterall, all I've been told suggests tat the most important part about life is the people that are there to share it with you. How could you possibly expand your viewpoint to see and comprehend that, when in every social situation, every personal problem, every PUBLIC problem, it always relates back to the same thing? .... Me.

Me me me me me. Can't we all just get over it already? I mean, obviously you need to take care of yourself and make sure that you are happy, secure, and moving forward in your life. But the truth is that there isn't ANYONE in the world that cares about "ME" as much as you do. So just let go of it! It's not going to do you any good. "Me". It's the food of the ego, the word to nowhere... no, worse than nowhere.

I take back everything that I've said about the people in the musical theatre department because I've been even more of a victim to ego than they have. Maybe due to my upbringing, maybe due to my own problems, maybe due to how I've come to perceive things... it's too late to point fingers and ultimately the point of it is useless.

On an extension of that, I've found that lately, I have done NOTHING but complain. About myself, the people around me, and most important and sadly, the people that I love. How stupid. The people that have, in the past, present, or possible future, have been there through the thick, thin, or both (which is the most beautiful things about friendships). Just shut up! Like seriously, do you really have that much to complain about? Your life is pretty good, Jordan, just seriously lighten up a little bit. It's also not as complicated as you're making it. You want to work towards a BA in theatre, you work at Pinkberry, you're working towards training for a job at Pranna, you take dance every morning to improve your technique, you have a voice lesson tomorrow morning to improve your vocal technique. GET OVER IT! Your life is not that tedious! Yes, it requires long hours, but look around you! What lifestyle doesn't? You are not a victim, you are a participant. You on an equal level as everyone else in the subway. The man in the suit could be punching into a 20 hour shift, but he is not looking at his reflection and pitying himself. He's just doing it. Like you're learning to do, like you're accomplishing slowly but surely.

Nobody said death was easy...

No More Bullshit

I have to start being honest with myself and stop making excuses. There is a lot of discomfort that comes with that. It means not skirting around anything, and truly getting to the point of things. I say this, because I feel I am compromising with myself, specifically with school. I don't know if I am truly happy in the musical theatre program here. I love the theatre department, and every class I have through the theatre department makes me happy, but I consistently find myself complaining about the musical theatre department, along with the oblivious people in it. I just don't know how much more of it I can take.

On one hand, the musical theatre program forces me to take daily dance classes, which I wouldn't take otherwise, and Nadine has definitely helped me with my ballet technique and has strengthened my body immensely by making me do things I would NEVER do on my own. Her ballet classes are fucking hard, and I love them. Tap I enjoy, although I'm sad that we don't have Ken anymore because I really liked him as a teacher. Jazz is a mess and a half: Ed's class has absolutely no progression and I've already missed two classes (we've had three). I hate going to it, and I feel like I gain close to nothing, with the exception of keeping my body activated and maybe getting better at turns (although I feel like this is more ballet than anything else). I can't stand it! Nor can I stand the lack of separation between professional and personal matters: everything professional becomes personal, and everything personal is elevated by professional devices. It's absolutely disgusting.

On the other hand, it makes me miserable, and I could be taking a few dance classes at BDC or Steps throughout the week instead of going to classes I could care less about, and it would probably be easy to find a voice teacher, while giving myself more time during the week to focus on my work and rehearsals. The MT program is cluttering my life with half decided and half effective teaching techniques and complete ego-maniacs.

Phew. That feels better. In fact, almost every catharsis pulls me further away from the MT program: I find myself most comfortable in a library reading about Laban Movement Analysis or writing plays on my laptop, or in a scene with an acting partner in acting class. I also can't stand that we're doing Thoroughly Modern Millie this year, which is so politically vacant that I could jump off a cliff. I hate musicals like Millie.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't be in musical theatre... At least, this kind of musical theatre. Yeah. I think I'm going to drop the minor at the end of the semester. We'll see.