Drunk Night @ Pub After Work

I'm not gonna hold your hand here when you walk...

I have to say, that tonight was an amazing night. I am sitting here, on my bed, at 6am, and I am loving everything. It could be because I'm little bit intoxicated (not too intoxicated to type) and that I am reaching a new chapter (everything's about chapters! Like life is some sort of novel...),  and that... I love the people that I work with. And I had an incredible night with them. So this is what "let's go get a drink" is all about.

I guess Lauren is right. Maybe I'm still a "noobie".

Amazing. Life keeps getting better. More complicated, yes, but better. Because when was complicated a bad thing?

I'm gonna.... yeah.

In Charge

I am Jordan Stovall. It is my decision to live in New York City, to rent an apartment for $800/month, to go to Marymount Manhattan College, and to be an actor. I am choosing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. I want to do the work and am willing to do whatever I need to do in order to get the training I need to be a successful actor and land really amazing roles. Roles that I will love doing and look back on and love. I have the ability to do whatever I want to do as long as I work for it.

It is no longer any responsibility but my own. And I am ready to take it.

29th Street & Park Avenue

I'm sitting in Starbucks with an iced grande double shot, skim, and vanilla, waiting for my shift to start. I thought call time was 3:00pm, but apparently it is 4:00pm so I'm killing some time before work. Last night at about 8:30pm, I was sitting in Starbucks on break at Pinkberry, wearing my PB uniform and hat, dreading going back, but that's past now. Thank the lord.

I'm sitting in Gramercy now, about to clock in at one of New York's new mega restaurants... I can't believe how well things are turning out this semester. It really is like things are becoming the way I've always wanted them to be... I'm independent, living in New York City, with a boy who loves me, with a job I love, working on the things I'm passionate about (well, at least after this semester). Needless to say that last night was my last shift at Pinkberry. No more working for $8.00/hr for 35 hours a week to make a disappointing (at best) paycheck! I can't wait to start making money at Pranna. I'm really hopeful that things will start falling into place financially, as well, because as it stands, my financial situation is in shambles. Literally, it's shit. Which is really frustrating when for the past two months you've been working your ASS of to make it better.

I don't think I went to dance once last week. No, you know what? I didn't. And I didn't really have an excuse, I just didn't go. There's an audition tomorrow for Dave Clemmon's casting for a new Off-broadway musical called Dear Edwina that I really want to go to, but because I've already missed class for Pranna training I don't think that I'm going to be able to. I'm going to think more about this later, because I really want to do it.

Life is good.

Letting Go

I went to go see the final dress rehearsal of Speed the Plow tonight with Glenn, and it was really great. I'm glad that I got to see it, as I'm doing a David Mamet piece in Acting II and was having a really hard time with the dialogue. David Mamet has a really weird way of writing, and having never read or seen any of his plays before, I had no idea how to decipher it and was having a hard time. I feel like this experience will definitely help me understand the language of the play and make it easier to rehearse with Kina. God I have so much stuff to do! These acting journals are driving me crazy.

I think I finally got to a breaking point with my ego. It almost feels like it disappeared in one night. Well, of course nothing disappears fully in such a short period of time, and we all have egos, whether we like it or not, but it was ground up to a point that it was either fight of flight. And it lost. I woke up the next morning feeling... what I can only describe as some sort of... flame... or something less cliche... in my chest. A sense of awake that wasn't there before. Something from a long time ago, that I remember feeling in middle school. That makes sense, though, because during and after 8th grade is when it all started getting really weird. My state of consciousness has altered greatly and I've been much more able to enjoy life moment by moment. On Wednesday, after musical theatre techniques, I stayed at school and just hung around, something I would've never done last year. And I was comfortable there. I just kind of took out my laptop and hung out. Saw Adrienne Gori and sat and had a conversation. And there was a connection between me and her that was something I haven't had in such a long time.

How can I explain this? In almost every interaction in the past year, there has been something inside my brain holding me back. Almost like every inconvenience that I'd experienced throughout the day, month, or week was building up in my head until my brain reached a flurry of dizzying concerns, thoughts, and analysis. Through this cloud, it was almost impossible to see anything rationally. Impulse spending, the complete inability to manage my money, to manage my own LIFE for that matter. And the saddest and hardest thing is that almost every interaction, casual or intimate, I almost completely shut out. I feel like... I was always trying to protect myself from actually feeling anything, although I did a good job of pretending like I did. There was no true connection, it was almost like conversation was a process... and having to look into the other person's eyes, and know that they're struggling with the conversation as much as I am, when I know that they're not like that... it's so painful. Almost like there's a wall between them and me. I've been trying to tear down that wall ever since I became aware of it, which wasn't too long ago. I've always had the notion that something was wrong, but didn't know what it was, and that led to a dizzying barrage of self criticisms. I'm noticing that I'm using the word dizzying a lot, and it's quite accurate. No wonder people said I was crazy.

I almost view this week as a Renaissance. In class, I don't have my hand up all the time, because instead of just word vomit, I'm actually listening to the people around me because I care. I'm not pretending to care, or forcing myself to care because that's what I know I have to do. I care. It's just there. It's SUCH a liberating feeling.

I looked back tonight on things I've written in the past, things I've recorded and said. It's almost like looking at a different person. Someone who... missed the point and was always trying so hard for no apparent reason. How stressful! No wonder nobody calls me. I take a whole lot of fucking energy. Almost already, though, I'm noticing a difference in how people are treating me. People that have always been around me are opening up to me in new ways, subtle, but noticeable. I've been getting phone calls from people I would never get phone calls from. And all of a sudden, I'm starting to see the same people I had a barrage of complaints and skepticism about in whole new ways. I am relaxed around them, around new people too. I understand now that no one is a threat to me unless I let them be. There's no reason that they should be. They've done nothing to suggest that they're a threat. I'm not talking about threatening people here, just normal people. I've always said that I've had social anxiety, now I'm starting to understand why.

Weeks like this remind me how much I have left to learn and how much growing I have left. It's almost like... I'm waking up and seeing the world again for the first time in years. I can only hope that the death that I was talking about before has already happened and I've experienced the extent of the pain that this process is going to incur... my worst fear is that I will wake up tomorrow back where I started. My hope is that, if for whatever reason that happens, I can just look back at this entry and remember what the peace of mind felt like, and let it all drop back into place. I don't want to lose this again...

"Are You Okay?"

Yes, I am okay. Although, I could see what would inspire you to ask me that question. I was told recently during a tarot reading that I was reaching the death of a very negative, possessive state of mind. The tarot deck did not tell me this would be easy. Although, when has a death ever been easy?

I have, in the past, been subject to swirling, negative, rambling states of mind. A state of over analysis that has often provided an obstacle between me and what I wish to accomplish, whether it be something as simple as going to the gym, or something as important to getting a job to support myself. As the economy collapses around me, and everything else in the world seems to fail, I find myself in a state of renaissance.

The school year has presented enormous amounts of opportunity for me so far. In my first month and a half of being back, I have secured two jobs and have made more money in a month on close to minimum wage than I have in approximately 6 months of life during my senior year of high school. Last year doesn't even count because I created almost 0% of my own revenue, and completely relied on other people. I have signed my first lease, and completely moved into my very first apartment, which happens to be located in New York City, one of the most amazing cities in America. Although I emerge from these successes with credit card debt and an emerging and swelling existence of student loans, on a whole I am proud of where I am in my life.

I have often wondered what it is about me that fails me socially. Why am I not as socially successful as other people close to me? Furthermore, what is it inside of me that prevents me from accomplishing the social success of other? The answer is extremely complicated and simple at the same time: the answer is me. Me. I have been what stands in the way of everything. Me. It's a simple, small, two letter word that holds an endless expansion of connotation. Me. How much do I care about me? How does the amount of how I care about myself limit me from the expansion of caring about others? Afterall, all I've been told suggests tat the most important part about life is the people that are there to share it with you. How could you possibly expand your viewpoint to see and comprehend that, when in every social situation, every personal problem, every PUBLIC problem, it always relates back to the same thing? .... Me.

Me me me me me. Can't we all just get over it already? I mean, obviously you need to take care of yourself and make sure that you are happy, secure, and moving forward in your life. But the truth is that there isn't ANYONE in the world that cares about "ME" as much as you do. So just let go of it! It's not going to do you any good. "Me". It's the food of the ego, the word to nowhere... no, worse than nowhere.

I take back everything that I've said about the people in the musical theatre department because I've been even more of a victim to ego than they have. Maybe due to my upbringing, maybe due to my own problems, maybe due to how I've come to perceive things... it's too late to point fingers and ultimately the point of it is useless.

On an extension of that, I've found that lately, I have done NOTHING but complain. About myself, the people around me, and most important and sadly, the people that I love. How stupid. The people that have, in the past, present, or possible future, have been there through the thick, thin, or both (which is the most beautiful things about friendships). Just shut up! Like seriously, do you really have that much to complain about? Your life is pretty good, Jordan, just seriously lighten up a little bit. It's also not as complicated as you're making it. You want to work towards a BA in theatre, you work at Pinkberry, you're working towards training for a job at Pranna, you take dance every morning to improve your technique, you have a voice lesson tomorrow morning to improve your vocal technique. GET OVER IT! Your life is not that tedious! Yes, it requires long hours, but look around you! What lifestyle doesn't? You are not a victim, you are a participant. You on an equal level as everyone else in the subway. The man in the suit could be punching into a 20 hour shift, but he is not looking at his reflection and pitying himself. He's just doing it. Like you're learning to do, like you're accomplishing slowly but surely.

Nobody said death was easy...

No More Bullshit

I have to start being honest with myself and stop making excuses. There is a lot of discomfort that comes with that. It means not skirting around anything, and truly getting to the point of things. I say this, because I feel I am compromising with myself, specifically with school. I don't know if I am truly happy in the musical theatre program here. I love the theatre department, and every class I have through the theatre department makes me happy, but I consistently find myself complaining about the musical theatre department, along with the oblivious people in it. I just don't know how much more of it I can take.

On one hand, the musical theatre program forces me to take daily dance classes, which I wouldn't take otherwise, and Nadine has definitely helped me with my ballet technique and has strengthened my body immensely by making me do things I would NEVER do on my own. Her ballet classes are fucking hard, and I love them. Tap I enjoy, although I'm sad that we don't have Ken anymore because I really liked him as a teacher. Jazz is a mess and a half: Ed's class has absolutely no progression and I've already missed two classes (we've had three). I hate going to it, and I feel like I gain close to nothing, with the exception of keeping my body activated and maybe getting better at turns (although I feel like this is more ballet than anything else). I can't stand it! Nor can I stand the lack of separation between professional and personal matters: everything professional becomes personal, and everything personal is elevated by professional devices. It's absolutely disgusting.

On the other hand, it makes me miserable, and I could be taking a few dance classes at BDC or Steps throughout the week instead of going to classes I could care less about, and it would probably be easy to find a voice teacher, while giving myself more time during the week to focus on my work and rehearsals. The MT program is cluttering my life with half decided and half effective teaching techniques and complete ego-maniacs.

Phew. That feels better. In fact, almost every catharsis pulls me further away from the MT program: I find myself most comfortable in a library reading about Laban Movement Analysis or writing plays on my laptop, or in a scene with an acting partner in acting class. I also can't stand that we're doing Thoroughly Modern Millie this year, which is so politically vacant that I could jump off a cliff. I hate musicals like Millie.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't be in musical theatre... At least, this kind of musical theatre. Yeah. I think I'm going to drop the minor at the end of the semester. We'll see.

Back in The Big Apple

It's my third day back in the city... from the very first night of being in the city, I could feel the comfort of home starting to set back in. I was in the Supershuttle (which takes forever, but you know, I wasn't in any hurry) and as it came over the hill where you can see the skyline for the first time, I felt my heart start to pump a little faster and I smiled a little bit to myself with nostalgia and excitement. It's so beautiful at night time!

Thursday, Sam and I used the whole day to apartment hunt. We were on our second broker and probably our fifth or sixth listing and about to resign for the day, when we found an incredible deal. It's a two bedroom (with HUGE bedrooms) that's completely newly renovated with new appliances (they still have the tags on them) and a small space for a living room, with essentially two half baths (one has a toilet and one has a shower and sink) and a kitchen big enough to put a small table in. It's really incredible! And it's 78th and 2nd, which is literally seven blocks from school. So, in short, I really hope we're able to get this apartment because it's gorgeous. We put in the application and all sources are pointing to a yes, our broker is just waiting to hear back from the landlord on a final decision. This shit is suspenseful.

Yesterday I had lunch with Kyle at a sushi place up on third, that probably has the best sushi in the world, and then walked over the Central Park and laid out in the sun for like, an hour and a half, and walked around for another three throughout Central Park and a little through midtown. I was getting tired and I had to pee, so I decided to get back on the subway and head home for the day.

Last night, Lauren and I met up for pizza, her friend Mallary joined us (who I now love), and we all headed up to our friend Josh's apartment in Harlem. Getting to the apartment from the subway was vaguely like walking through a Grand Theft Auto game, I will admit, but once we got to the apartment, it was fucking HUGE. The apartment was three stories tall with a living room, dining room, a washer/dryer, a STORAGE room... who has a storage room in NEW YORK? No one. Oh, and a full backyard with a grill. I mean, that's insane shit. I didn't even feel like I was in New York. But then, going back home was, again, like a GTA game except this time it was crazier because it was like 12am and a lot more people were out. So, that was a new experience. It was so nice to see people from school again! I love it... I'm so excited for school to start.

Today I feel kind of tired and I'm thinking I might have a lazier day today... I don't know. I feel like sleeping. But I probably won't do that because that's sad.

Watching Wayne's World. Note to self, please, at one point in life, purchase a collie with an 80's rock band haircut.

The End of a Chapter

I was supposed to leave this morning to go back to New York, but Hurricane Fay decided to postpone my triumphant return. So, instead, I am recuperating from the past month and trying to catch back up on sleep. It was an amazing month, but it definitely wore me out. I was really worried about going back to New York today, because I knew that I wouldn't get a day to rest, so even though I'm upset about the delay because it means putting off apartment hunting for another day or so, I'm glad to get the rest and have a little more time to get things together before I go.

Last Wednesday, I put up my first show of original work with my friend, Jared O'Roark, called Descending Sideways with stuff that we'd both written. I was really worried about how it would turn out, as we only had several days to prepare the actors in between the weekends of The Girlie Show, but we pulled it off and I received a much more positive response than I'd ever expected to receive. I think a lot of people went with low expectations and were surprised at the quality of the work, and how well it all flowed together. It was honestly one of the best nights of my life, and although I wish that someone had taped it so that I could watch it again, I know that I will get the opportunity to see it realized again in the future.

The Girlie Show is finally OVER! Today I think is the last day of strike, and we never have to think about any of it ever again. I don't think it would've been as stressful for me if I wasn't dealing with so much financial shit on the side of it, but you know, it all adds up and I've been thinking about how to make everything in my life work 24/7. I think it's all finally pulling together, and I'm excited to make the deposit on Sam and I's apartment and just get it all settled and over with.

Tomorrow night I am going back to the city and staying at Glenn's apartment until Sam and I find a close on a place of our own, wish us luck! I'm sure it will go alright, and I'm not worried about finding a place now that I have the money for the deposit and everything is worked out between Sam and me. I don't think I could've found a more reliable, dependable, easy to work with, chill, or nicer roommate... I'm really excited for this year!

On a Leather Sofa in Tampa

I've started a musical theatre intensive in Tampa at the Florida Arts School that goes throughout the week, and I'm tired from the first day: we spent the first two hours or so of the day dancing in a horrifically hot dance studio. I'm talking no AC in Florida in the middle of the summer, surrounded by fans blowing the hot, sticky air back onto you. Ugh! But I was excited to get back in the swing of things, because I wasn't able to have a dance class all summer and I really needed to get back into shape for this coming school year. I think that this week will get me back into the habit of stretching every morning and getting my body ready again for the coming school year, because I'm going to hate it if I don't. I'm staying at Jared O'Roark's apartment for a few nights to ease the commute. You know, because I don't have a car.

I was about to start this paragraph with, "this summer has gone by so fast!", but in retrospect, I think it went by at the exact pace that it should've. It seemed long enough, it seemed short enough, and although I don't want to leave my family and friends here behind, I can't wait to get back in the city. I miss having my own space, having a way to get around town anytime I want, having a part-time job, school, and friends in New York. It's going to be so awesome to start everything again! Also, of course, after this year, I'm one year closer to my BA degree! Woohoo!

I think I eventually want to get my Masters in Musical Theatre, but I think that I'm going to probably wait for awhile after I graduate to get it because I want to have that time to get into the industry and start auditioning and working as a professional performer.

I'm watching a video of a pug screaming at the television, and it's hilarious.

Studying, Money for Studying, Studying for Money

Well, Manifesto is over and looking back on the project, I'm really glad that I was able to be a part of it. Being in the show gave me a drive to move forward with myself and has given me a goal to strive for. Working so closely with such talented people has given me a little perspective into my own advantages and shortcomings in theatre and has helped me realize where my potential lies and what I need to do to move forward with myself. I'm studying with Ed Crater for the rest of the summer, starting yesterday, and am attending a musical theatre intensive in Tampa for the next week at Linda Switzer's Florida Arts School, so I'm hoping to improve even before I get back up to school.

In the next 9 months especially, it's incredibly important for me to harness my vocal technique, not only for my sake professionally in my present situation, but for my sake personally as I move forward in my career. Giving myself a set of expectations and short-term goals to move toward, I feel, will greatly improve my incentive to study hard and learn while I'm up at school in the city this next year. Not that I wasn't before, I guess I just didn't really know yet why I was putting the work into it. I've always sort of second guessed my career choices, but after last week, I'm sure that this is the profession I want to pursue and I realize now what kind of work that I need to put into it if I want to be truly successful as an entertainer.

I'm in the process of trying to obtain a private loan so that I can pay for my apartment deposit in about a month, and it's proving to be a grueling process: my father is incredibly skeptical and paranoid about anything that has to do with dealing out his social security number and probably doesn't have a stellar credit rating, and he's the main person I'm dealing with in this financial conundrum. I'm thinking about asking my Grandma to help me co-sign, but I don't want to burden her anymore than she already is... as time ticks away, I'm starting to think it may be my only option, although it's the last thing that I want to do and it's an insanely embarrassing phone call because my mother has a history of debt and I don't want to seem as if I am fulfilling a legacy. But, then again, in retrospect I wouldn't have to reach out at all if my mom had her shit together in the first place. So is life.

I've been on and off the phone all day trying to figure things out, and have been on the computer for the past hour or so studying my options for borrowing, and have submitted an application already, but I can already tell that I'm going to need a co-signer to make this possible. I really hate having to be in this situation, but I know that if I suck it up for the next three years and just deal with it all, that I will ultimately benefit from the work that I've done with a bachelor's degree... which sounds incredible. I'll be the first person in my family I think in at least two generations to get a bachelor's degree, unless Grandma Jean got one, but I'm not certain. I know my mother and father didn't, and my grandparents on my mother's side didn't even finish high school, so it will be a kind of family legacy for me. Actually, I think my Aunt got her bachelor's, now that I think about it. Whatever, I still want a degree. Haha.

Manifesto Rehearsals

Manifesto is well under way! We blocked the entire show, tomorrow Paul Alexander comes to see it for the first time, and then Friday is show time! I couldn't be more excited about it... it's turning out to be an incredible show. I can't wait to see how the audience reacts to it because I don't think anyone will be expecting to see what it has become. It... it's just a phenomenal piece of theatre. I really love it.

I've been having some vocal issues with my song "All You Are" and have been working on it like crazy to try and get it perfect before Friday night. I wish I had more time to work on it, but unfortunately I don't. I studied with Linda Switzer this morning for about forty-five minutes, and Ed Crater has offered to give me an hour tomorrow morning before rehearsal, and considering in just fifteen minutes he made a huge difference in my voice, I'm excited to see what he's going to bring out of me tomorrow morning. Hopefully I can step up to the plate, because I have some huge shoes to fill with this cast. Seriously, everyone in the cast is fucking unbelievable, especially in vocals... John was just Tony in West Side Story at Boston Conservatory and is Fabrizio in Light in the Piazza in Boston this fall (with good reason), Jamieson had been touring for two years and in the international tour of Rent, and Dowdy was Tracy's understudy in Hairspray for two and a half years... like, how the fuck am I supposed to compare with THAT? I'm trying my hardest, hopefully I'll be able to perform it in a way I'll look back on and be thoroughly proud of... 

Step one: I'm going to sleep to get rest for tomorrow. 

Onwards and Upwards

Okay. So I found out today, over a conversation with my father, that my financial situation for college is the worst case scenario. That's cool. I've decided for myself that I'm going to make it work out, because I have to, and it's time to start standing up for my thoughts and decisions. I'm going to start demanding things of myself and my situation, even though I hate the pressure of 'demands', because I deserve it. I deserve to be demanded of, and to accomplish more than I am accomplishing.

Not that I am not proud of what I have been doing lately, I am. I am satisfied with myself as of right now, I just know that I am not at full capacity and I am ready to move forward. I just finished the first act to my play, A Light in the Dark. I've never finished an "act" before. I'm really excited about it and happy of the way it turned out. The last scene in the play really came from an emotional place in me, and... I'm just really excited to hear it read, whenever that may be.

Jared O'Roark and I have gotten approval to do a show of our original theatre at Studio@620 on August 13th! We have our second 'production meeting' tomorrow to iron out specifics like the final casting and publicity info... which won't be that hard because it'll be a small cast and the publicity won't be expansive because it's only a one night show in like a 150 seat space...

Anyways, a lot to be excited about, a lot of growth, a lot of stuff to think about, anticipate, and knock out... So goes life.

True Colors Are Beautiful Like a Rainbow

Well, blog, the job hunt has finally defeated me. I was thinking about making a list in this post of all of the places I applied at this summer, including follow up calls and interviews, however I feel like ultimately it is a) unproductive and b) really depressing so I'm going to just move on, haha.

In order to try to make up the money that I've been losing this summer, I'm going to try to put up a reading of what I've been writing in my plays at the studio@620. It's something I'm really nervous about, but extremely excited about at the same time. I have some other tricks up my sleeve that I'm probably going to be pulling out as well.

Yesterday was Gay Pride here in St. Petersburg and it was the first Pride that I was able to attend the festivities, and what a marvelous gay day it was! It was a HUGE event. I had no idea that many gay people existed in Florida! Well, apparently they do. In the afternoon Glenn went to work and I went over to Colleen's where we napped and showered, went to Ruth Eckerd to see's Jared's show Next Stop Broadway which was adorable. There was like a Laugh In style set with all of the windows that opened up and the kids would pop out and tell jokes. It was really great. The second half of it Colleen and I went up to the booth and made fun of them with Jared, Jamieson and Glenn, which was hilarious!

After the show we met up with Dowdy and Melipesa and went to G Bar (for those of you who don't know, it's an AMAZING gay club in downtown Ybor City in Tampa) where we prided it up. Then we all got McDonalds, threw fries at each other's cars, and watched the first half of Practical Magic which I'm convinced was the most depressing thing I've ever seen... Nicole Kidman is really weird, that's another thing that I got from that movie.

I talked to my Dad and Paige today, both of which made me immensely happy, took a nap (didn't get a whole lot of sleep last night) and then went for a run sans iPod, which I was nervous about as music keeps me motivated but it actually turned out to be really beautiful and nice. So now I'm all showered up, happy, tired, and in my PJ's... talking to Lauren Marangiello online (love that bitch) and am watching Reno 911 on TV...

Did you know life was really awesome? Because it is.

Writing Plays

Last night, I finally had a good night's sleep. It was I think the first time I had a good night of sleep since I've been home. Woke up this morning, Glenn went off to have a meeting with Bob at The Studio. Mom's at the swimming pool. I opted not to go, I wasn't feeling it today. I had a cup of coffee or two, and have been working on one of the plays that I started while I was still up in New York. I've kind of taken the state of mind that if nothing is going to come of my days, and no one is going to hire me (at the moment), I should at least get something productive done, because one of the reasons I've been so upset is that all of my activities have been seemingly put on hold for the time being. So, I started writing my plays again. I feel like this is a step in the right direction.

I don't really have anything else interesting to say.

Bad Dreams but Good Days

I am in a much better mood than my last post, ha ha. I spent all day today helping Glenn with a set design at Galaxy, so I got to see Kirsten Perea again. Love that bitch. She has looked and acted the same way for the past two decades, is Dutch, and was once a member of the Helen Hayes Theater before it burnt down and was rebuilt. Like, are you kidding me? And she still runs this children's theater in Pinellas Park as the Artistic and Executive Director. It's hard for a young person to take on both of those responsibilities. She's the most amazing person in the world, I'm convinced. So, needless to say, it was good to see her. Pocketed a little money from that to get through the week. Of course, by the end of this week, I will be securely employed, right? Surely this will happen.

Speaking of which, the list of places I have applied this summer continues to grow, with two new contenders as of this evening: Blockbuster and Best Buy. I should hear back from Panera by tomorrow whether or not they are going to hire me, and I will probably bus down to Target and put in an application there as well if Panera doesn't end up working out. Actually, I may put in an application anyway. These are not difficult-to-get-into jobs. Or so I thought. The saga continues.

Last night I had some disturbing dreams about apartment hunting next year. I finally found a place, but I was only able to afford a really piece of crap apartment in a bad part of town, and although I was comforted to know that I had somewhere to live, there were holes in the walls and such... really large holes. I looked out of the window to see the view and it was all construction vehicles. We were walking out of the apartment and there was a man sitting on the side of a bridge with a beige potato sack, from which he was taking children and throwing them off the bridge one after another. Needless to say, I did not feel secure. The summer is still young, I still have two more months and I'm trying my darnedest, and I have Girlie Show and Manifesto coming up, and I'll definitely get money from Girlie Show, so I'm not that worried yet. But you know, there's always a part of you assuming the worst.

Speaking of which, I've been informed that I'm officially the Manifesto workshop this summer! For those of you that don't know, my friend Dylan Glatthorn has been writing a musical for the past several years called Manifesto, and just this past year Paul Alexander, a New York Times Best Selling author, has agreed to hop on board and help Dylan with the book of the musical, which is INCREDIBLY exciting. He just released a book called Machiavelli's Shadow: The Rise and Fall of Karl Rove which he's getting a lot of press for: he was on Andersoon Cooper and CNN this past week. I heard a little bit about what they've been doing with the book and it continues to get more and more exciting, I hope that it does well... I'm so excited to see the script! And to get an opportunity to perform again... it's been awhile. I'll update more when we start rehearsing and such.

For the record, we've been doing a lot of bowling this summer. It's been great fun. Twedt's Lanes. Cheap Seminole Bowling Lanes. We've been improving, except for Dylan, although he started to "use his thumb" in the last game and reclaimed his dignity. Saw Melissa Oropesa and she gave me coins from Israel. So good! I don't think I'm ever going to be able to use them for anything though... they're currently sitting on my shelf. And I got to hang out with my cousins Chloe & Shelby this past Friday which was really great because I've missed them all year and really wanted to spend more time with them over the summer. Yay! I'm going to ask my Aunt Lisa if I can sneak into her fitness center... oh, I forgot to mention, I also applied at Gold's Gym because I saw an ad on Craigslist. Have yet to hear back from them. Seriously, the day I get a job will be like the happiest day of my life. It will be like a dream from someone else's life. Like, I just won the lottery good.

Oh! Another thing. I saw my first concert since like, Warped Tour three years ago. On Thursday night Colleen, Sheila, Valerie, and her sister Julie all went to go see Ingrid Michaelson at the State Theater downtown and she was fucking AMAZINGGGGG! Even better in concert, and so funny too, so entertaining. Took video of the concert and tried to edit it on FinalCut Pro for my Mac, only to find that it is much more complicated than I had anticipated... I'm going to have to take it a little bit at a time I guess. While we were there we unexpectedly met up with Rachel Scherer (I don't even remember the last time I saw her, so needless to say it was really good to see her), Britta and her mom Deidre. How amazing, right? It was great stuff.

Sunday night, up late, watching [adult swim] and updating my blog after a long day of work. Oh, yes. Yes yes yes. This has been a wonderful week. A hard week, but a wonderful one.

Summer....... or BUMMER?

Summer is beginning to set in and I'm finding that I'm not liking it. I was really looking forward to summer because I missed my family and friends back in Florida, but what I was not anticipating were the struggles that I've been finding down here that seem to loom over everything else. Life really sucks without a car. That's not going to change anytime soon. Life also really sucks without a job. I've spent the past two days making rounds around the Tampa Bay area looking for a job at places close to home (I need to be able to ride my bike there), and almost everywhere I've gone has had the same answer, "Right now we're fully staffed, but we'll definitely keep your application on file if anything pops up." I'm so tired of that! Why has it become so impossible for me to find a job? I'll admit that I was a little half-assed about finding a job towards the beginning of the summer, but I still was putting in applications and going to job fairs. Now that I've really stepped up my game, I guess I'm just feeling increasingly disappointed with how things are turning out. When you put more energy into something, you expect a greater outcome, but it seems that's not how this summer is turning out. More energy, less outcome. The fact that Ruth Eckerd fell through really upsets me because I was really counting on that money. Now that I'm not finding a job elsewhere, I'm beginning to panic. The only interview that turned out on the positive side is the interview I had at Panera Bread by my house, so I'm hoping to hear back from them in the next few days. But until I have a job, I don't have a job, and money has a way of being incredibly finite. My mom is not able to help out because she has a way of being incredibly bad with money, and my father is in North Carolina. PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A JOB!

Alright, otherwise, things are fine. I might go to dinner/hang out tonight with my friend Jenna Siladie who I haven't seen in months, so I'm looking forward to that a lot. I'm starting to realize that my friends are what make everything else feel a little less brutal. I've always realized that subconsciously, but I'm beginning to value them a lot more consciously (not that I didn't value them a lot already).

I love everyone who is close to me. I need to call my friends from New York. I've done a terrible job of keeping in touch. Friends from New York, expect phone calls from me soon, or call me, because I miss you all terribly. 

The First Three Weeks of Summer

I have been back in Florida for almost three weeks now, and I finally feel like I have my feet under me. This past year in New York has been incredible, but also extremely challenging as I have had to adjust to a completely new way of living. I feel like the first year of college is difficult for anyone, but the fact that mine happened to be in New York City only adds to it! It's been a wonderful three weeks home, though... I've had the opportunity to catch up with friends and family that I really missed while I was at school.

The past week I've been sooo lazy and I love it! I've just been watching reality shows on Bravo! and playing World of Warcraft (I know, such a loser, but it's SO GOOD) which has been incredible! I've been watching a lot of So You Think You Can Dance on YouTube and Step it Up and Dance on Bravo... the finale is tonight and I'm really excited about it. Tomorrow morning Valerie and I have a beach date so we can be tan and sexy.

Last night was Jamieson's party and I don't think that it would be an exaggeration to say that I got shit-blasted. I can't decide if doing so makes me reckless and stupid, but it was a lot of fun! Haha. It's hard to take life seriously all the time, it's nice to have a night every once and awhile where you and your friends just let loose and don't take each other seriously. Really wonderful. It was my first party in awhile, too, I really enjoyed myself. I think I may have left my camera over there... whatever, I'll figure it out.

Barry Hamilton called me today from Ruth Eckerd Hall and notified me that the numbers are low and they're not doing camp this year, so my high paying summer job fell through. What are the chances? This camp is something that happens every year, like for numerous years in the past. And there are always really high numbers. It's just my luck... oh, well. I called Starbucks today for a follow-up and they told me to call back on Saturday between open and noon, so I'm going to do that and hopefully something will turn out. Now that I'm not doing Ruth Eckerd I can work a lot more hours and I won't have as large of a conflict, so that may make me more hirable. I'm also looking forward to working on The Girlie Show, and I'm tentatively working on Manifesto, although I don't know in what capacity yet. I have a lot to look forward to.

Even though being home has been wonderful, I'm definitely missing the friends that I've made in New York. I've been iChatting with some of them (LOVE MY MAC!) and it's been great for keeping in touch, but sometimes it doesn't work and I get sad.

I'm drinking a blueberry banana smoothie and watching the Golden Girls with Glenn, which of course requires explicit attention, so I think I'll say bye for now... BYE!