The Dog Days Are Over

Confirmed: I have my audition for the University of Tampa on Thursday at 12:30pm.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Tracking back to junior year of high school, all I could talk about to my friends was how excited I was to get the hell out of Florida, away from the hot weather, and to get to New York, where a world of possibilities awaited for me. To attend Marymount, study acting, and be in the middle of everything. Be a 'starving artist'. And for awhile, it was really exciting. The hustle bustle of the city, the variety of cultures to learn from, the characters. The people in New York are unforgettable, like Vulcan, the wine bar owner from Turkey who can spin bottles up and around his back in all kinds of weird ways because he used to be a performance bartender in Turkey, with stories about how he would bang chicks on moving motorcycles in the summer in Malta. And one of the most giving, generous people I've ever met, moving from Turkey with $30 in his pocket, now with a successful, gorgeous business doing what he loves.

But somewhere along the way, I lost my drive and ambition in the overcast New York days and chilly nights. It seems like New York is almost built to party non-stop, with after hours bars, happy hours, cocktail lounges, restaurants and bars on every corner. And to a point, that can be a lot of fun, especially in your early 20's, but it's very easy to lose your focus in all of these characters, cocktails, and empty wine bottles, and the next thing you know you're waking up just in time every day for your shift, you haven't auditioned in months, and you can't even remember the last time you've been on a stage...
The practicalities behind my studies became harder and harder to manage. After acting classes ended at school, I found I wasn't studying performance, which is the one thing that I came to New York to do. And after that semester, which I spent writing papers for subjects I was completely apathetic towards, regardless of the quality, I found I wasn't able to attend after running into a huge pitfall of finances that I saw coming for months and couldn't fix regardless of countless visits to the financial aid office. Quickly, Marymount fell out of the cards, even though I am only a year and a half away from graduating and putting these undergrad years behind me and moving on to bigger and better things.

Truth be told, I don't really want to commit to anything professional until I've received my degree, if it all pans out in the immediate future. I still have to hear back from UT to find out the figures. But I'm thinking that I have a better shot at financial aid in Florida than in New York, and without have to worry about the added living expenses, as well as the impossibly large uncovered balance that I have at Marymount each semester, it will end up panning out. Whether or not this is better, I don't know. I know plenty of people that never received their degree that went on to do wonderful things. For some reason, getting a degree was always an important thing to me, even though a degree in theatre arts can only do so much for your career. I think my family has always rooted for me to make it, and I've always rooted for myself... so although it may be as much figurative as practical, the idea of completion has a sentimental value of success and overcoming obstacles that I feel will empower me later in life. Although, my wallet is already hurting looking at the loans I've taken out to make it this far.

It's been an arduous decision to make, as I have a full life in New York after being there for three years, and I will be cutting myself off from the limitless possibilities and auditions there. That will be hard for me to give up, but I feel like I have more to do before I can actually move on to the professional phase of my career. I've become comfortable waiting tables, although there's this undercurrent of intense yearning for something more. And it's something I'm not capable of getting right yet in my current situation. Acting classes are typically $200+ per month at any good studio, voice lessons $75+ for a half an hour, and to be honest I don't really have that expendable income for a school where I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket each semester if I plan on staying, which is bottom line impossible unless I want to spend the next four years of my life finishing three semesters worth of work.

So here's wishing for something better, the next step. I'm making all the moves, and hoping for the best. I want so badly for everything to fall in place and doing as much as I possibly can to make it happen. Let's see if it does!

The Dog Days Are Over

Confirmed: I have my audition for the University of Tampa on Thursday at 12:30pm.

I have a lot of mixed feelings about this. Tracking back to junior year of high school, all I could talk about to my friends was how excited I was to get the hell out of Florida, away from the hot weather, and to get to New York, where a world of possibilities awaited for me. To attend Marymount, study acting, and be in the middle of everything. Be a 'starving artist'. And for awhile, it was really exciting. The hustle bustle of the city, the variety of cultures to learn from, the characters. The people in New York are unforgettable, like Vulcan, the wine bar owner from Turkey who can spin bottles up and around his back in all kinds of weird ways because he used to be a performance bartender in Turkey, with stories about how he would bang chicks on moving motorcycles in the summer in Malta. And one of the most giving, generous people I've ever met, moving from Turkey with $30 in his pocket, now with a successful, gorgeous business doing what he loves.

But somewhere along the way, I lost my drive and ambition in the overcast New York days and chilly nights. It seems like New York is almost built to party non-stop, with after hours bars, happy hours, cocktail lounges, restaurants and bars on every corner. And to a point, that can be a lot of fun, especially in your early 20's, but it's very easy to lose your focus in all of these characters, cocktails, and empty wine bottles, and the next thing you know you're waking up just in time every day for your shift, you haven't auditioned in months, and you can't even remember the last time you've been on a stage...

The practicalities behind my studies became harder and harder to manage. After acting classes ended at school, I found I wasn't studying performance, which is the one thing that I came to New York to do. And after that semester, which I spent writing papers for subjects I was completely apathetic towards, regardless of the quality, I found I wasn't able to attend after running into a huge pitfall of finances that I saw coming for months and couldn't fix regardless of countless visits to the financial aid office. Quickly, Marymount fell out of the cards, even though I am only a year and a half away from graduating and putting these undergrad years behind me and moving on to bigger and better things.

Truth be told, I don't really want to commit to anything professional until I've received my degree, if it all pans out in the immediate future. I still have to hear back from UT to find out the figures. But I'm thinking that I have a better shot at financial aid in Florida than in New York, and without have to worry about the added living expenses, as well as the impossibly large uncovered balance that I have at Marymount each semester, it will end up panning out. Whether or not this is better, I don't know. I know plenty of people that never received their degree that went on to do wonderful things. For some reason, getting a degree was always an important thing to me, even though a degree in theatre arts can only do so much for your career. I think my family has always rooted for me to make it, and I've always rooted for myself... so although it may be as much figurative as practical, the idea of completion has a sentimental value of success and overcoming obstacles that I feel will empower me later in life. Although, my wallet is already hurting looking at the loans I've taken out to make it this far.

It's been an arduous decision to make, as I have a full life in New York after being there for three years, and I will be cutting myself off from the limitless possibilities and auditions there. That will be hard for me to give up, but I feel like I have more to do before I can actually move on to the professional phase of my career. I've become comfortable waiting tables, although there's this undercurrent of intense yearning for something more. And it's something I'm not capable of getting right yet in my current situation. Acting classes are typically $200+ per month at any good studio, voice lessons $75+ for a half an hour, and to be honest I don't really have that expendable income for a school where I'm paying $4,000 out of pocket each semester if I plan on staying, which is bottom line impossible unless I want to spend the next four years of my life finishing three semesters worth of work.

So here's wishing for something better, the next step. I'm making all the moves, and hoping for the best. I want so badly for everything to fall in place and doing as much as I possibly can to make it happen. Let's see if it does!

Decision Making

I've been in Florida for a few days now, just got back in on Tuesday morning and am happy to have some time off to evaluate things as they stand. Every day in life presents a new set of decisions to make. So, which path leads us to a better place? One of instinct, or of meditated thought?

In a reaction of instinct, it boils down to a flight or fight response. Which is better? To fight or to fly? If you lump it into two dense black and white categories like that, you can start to see who around you are the fighters and fliers in general decision making. And gradually, you begin to think of which is more appealing to you. The fliers enjoy a lack of repercussion, as in evading the problem, consequences cease to exist. There is, perhaps, nothing lost. But then again, there is no immediate knowledge of what you are missing out on gaining. Maybe only in retrospect. The fighters are constantly struggling to challenge, to gain, to fight for something. Because fighting is nothing without a prize... But to which degree is it appropriate? I suppose it is when the fighting outweighs the outcome of a situation, which can be difficult to judge. That's where the grey area comes in, which makes things much stickier. It's very easy to lump things into to general categories, but in a matter of decision making, it's not always that simple. Matters of circumstance, consequence, and strategy effect the outcome of any fight or flight. Maybe it is that simple. There are certain situations to avoid, but extended sequences of evasion lead to a path of jaded apathy. Once again, the answer lies in balance, and becomes part of the initial strategy.

Which brings me to think that meditated thought might be the way to go. But let's be honest, who has the time? In a crazy environment like New York City, you are faced with a million decisions a day. Frappucino, Latte, or Coffee? Which coincides more with my budget? Should I take skim, cream, or soy? Skim is lower in fat, but higher in sugar. And the cream tastes better, but the soy is healthier. But it costs fifty cents extra. Should I go out for a drink after work? Do I want to go to that audition tomorrow? Should I buy another pack of cigarettes or Nicotine patches and just quit altogether? Coke or Diet? Gin or Rum? Subway or cab? Appease the customer, or appease the boss? I'm not saying that all of these things have to be mutually exclusive, but it's too fucking difficult to really completely weigh in to the practicality of all of your decision making when you're moving at such a high speed. But there's something terribly mechanical about all of that. After a certain amount of coffee runs, extra shifts, days at the park, visits to the museum, it somewhat becomes a blur of mechanism. You take a minute to look at a Monet, and instead of examining the artistic value, a million ticker feeds are running through your brain about what the next day is you can do your laundry, drop it off or wash it, where you're having lunch, when to get on the subway in order to make it to work on time, when your next day off is, if you have time to fit in a workout, and then your phone vibrates with a text message, and another decision. I'm not saying that any of this is bad, but it does become extremely tiring after a certain point.

I think it's important to create for yourself a set of values to follow on a daily basis, which constructs itself into a routine of values that filters how these decisions are instinctively wired. If you're concerned about your health, find where you stand on these things. Don't smoke cigarettes, and if you do, find a way of quitting and figuring out a way to deal with future temptations, as they WILL arise. Don't make it a question for yourself, regardless of the pressure or the circumstance. You don't smoke. And hey, that's it. Easy. You eat healthy, then purchase foods that are healthier for you. If you're on a budget, find ways to incorporate healthier foods into what you already have. Buy fruits from the fruit stand, buy lower fat milk or soy substitutes. It's not that complicated.

Yeah, it sounds stupid and completely obvious. But for someone who has overanalyzed my whole life, finding the simplicity in every day decision making in place of a bigger picture has been a large revelation to me. I've given myself plenty of distractions, ideologies, and poorly founded precedents. To me, it's not a matter of "growing up", but accepting the responsibilities and repercussions associated with your everyday decision making. And that's why I think it's important to ask these questions. Because otherwise, we only end up going through the motions without really understanding why, which can easily turn into a repetitive cycle, or worse, a dead end. And at my age, that is the LAST thing I need. Because there is still a lot in this world that I wish to accomplish.

I don't know if I'm ready yet to make some necessary changes if I want to break the cycle I've fallen into, or if I'll ever really be "ready" for anything. I guess it's just as easy as, you have to go out and do it if you really believe in it. But hopefully, with the way things have been developing, I will end up once again creating a forward momentum towards my immediate, long-term, and ultimate life goals. After all, the clock is ticking, decisions are flying by a mile a minute, and you only get one life to live.

Spinning

The list of jaded, temporary indulgent infatuations grows, seemingly without limit. Although I have vowed to love only to share... I find myself spiraling from man to man, vice to vice, sunset to sunrise, in the hopeless torrent of my early twenties. My hips drag me forward like magnets to the world, and all of my lower abdomen lunges forward without fear of repercussion. And all along, my heart remains locked up, in layers of steel and ice, numb from the world outside. I find myself dancing like some twisted midnight monarchy on late nights alone on the dance floor... All other boys with their cigarettes raised in crooked, glowing salutes to the red and flashing lights. A door creaks to the patio, closed. As as soon as I roll in, I roll out... and nothing has changed except for the degree of unrest, which has been numbed by the entourage of poisonous vices. And in the morning, I wake like a spinning top to an unwelcoming sun in a city that has already been bustling for hours, most days already finished. But my routine has only just begun... The rain only about to start as the sun boils the humid air like a hot soup broth. And soon enough, the spiraling has only spun so far out of control that the world again seems still, as if viewed through stable eyes in the eye of the hurricane. I desperately lunge for the gears, a lever to stop this spiraling, but I do not know if I am ready yet; it is all a blur. And one does not have to suffer from the details... which are the most excruciating of all.

Making It Mine

I have been awake since 8:20am this morning, and I've had all day to come to this assortment of realizations, but for some reason it's happening to me at 1:30am when I am trying to fall asleep because I have to wake up early tomorrow. Alanis Morisette might find this ironic. I don't, I think it's irritating.

But there's good in this: the past few months have been dizzying. Well, actually, the last half a year has been dizzying. Working at Pranna has exposed me to a lot of parts of the city, and of life, that I never knew before. Adult life. Actually, a life I'm really not equipped to be living yet. A life of people five, ten years ahead of me with stable incomes and apartments and college degrees. Sometimes it feels really silly to be a nineteen year old in a crowd of people in their late twenties to mid thirties, but sometimes it's really exciting. It feels like I'm getting an insider scoop on what life is like later... what life will be like when I'm that age... and I'm tasting it now so I'll know what to expect later and be better equipped to handle it. Definitely more so than some of the people I know... I keep thinking, shit, I am going to be so much better than some of these people... And shit, some of these people, I have no clue how to ever be that successful. I hope I figure it out, because once you're up there, you're there... and yes, you can fall, but only if you let yourself. Meeting these people, they seem so normal. Not unlike my friends now, that are my age. They have the same hopes, dreams, failures, shortcomings, insecurities, but they did something different than everyone else that made them rich out of their minds. I want to figure out how to do that. I am figuring out how to do that. That's how I'm taking it now. Step by step, every day is learning something new.

I'm having my bruises along the way. Because I'm having my downfalls in judgment. Oh my god I have been SO bad with my money for the past two months. It's absolutely ridiculous. I mean, it's not like I'm making a ton of it, in fact I'm not really making enough to live MY life, needless to say I am not making enough to support the lifestyle I'm dipping my head into. It's so easy to get carried away in this city, there are options every night and a night at home seems so disappointing sometimes when you know what's out there waiting for you. A city of endless possibilities.

I looked around my room today and I thought, this isn't my room, this is a box I'm staying in right now. No wonder it's so hard to sleep sometimes. And I'm constantly worried about the roof being over my head. It's like a crippling anxiety, being home. No wonder I never clean, I don't like this place. Because I don't feel secure in it, right yet. I keep thinking of painting my room, and thinking that will probably make it feel different. I might do that sometime soon, when I get the money.

I have been slowing down my spending, though. Making a lot of cutbacks. I've been sort of giving up the constant nagging voice of judgment and consequence to the ethereal: I've been enjoying the lightness of reckless decision making, something I've never allowed myself to do before. This is a good thing and something that I am not ashamed of, because it is something I've never allowed myself before. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County (ridiculous, I know, but these bitches have money for a reason) and someone said, "My dad told me never to spend more money than you have, and then, no matter how much money you have, you're rich. And I've never broken that rule, and it's always worked." I keep replaying that over and over again every time I look down at my Blackberry, open up my ConEd bill, and see my roommate walk through the door. I think of it at least three times a day on any number of occasions. I guess sometimes it's easier just to block it all out and go out for a drink, but I am learning that it only digs the hole deeper, as bills are amounting and I am sitting up at 1:51am now writing in a blog to get all of these thoughts out of my head and somewhere else so I can get some rest.

My Blackberry died on Sunday, so I have been phone-less for two days. It seems like an eternity. I did nothing unusual to the Blackberry, just put it in my pocket, but when I took it back out for some reason none of the buttons were responding. I think it's God's way of getting me to cut my spending back. (That would be a prime example of me throwing my life to the ethereal.) Because now I don't have money to buy a new ritzy phone, so I'm unlocking my flip phone piece of shit T-Mobile Samsung and canceling the Blackberry plan. The one I couldn't afford in the first place, but for some reason decided to commit to, and even canceled once, but replenished about two days later. Is this New York living, or am I just stupid?

I am forcing myself from here on out to spend less than I have. I am going to follow the Real Housewives doctrine. I am going to fly it like a flag, and I am going to do it, goddamnit. Even if it is not by choice, but by necessity. And I am going to do it by getting another job soon (SHHH, it's a secret... I doubt anyone at Pranna would have the patience to read through any of this anyways, and I also doubt they have any interest in me at this point because I don't provide any juicy gossip. Because that seems to be what makes people important there.) I have to wait until I come back from Florida in the middle of June to start looking around, which is the part that sucks, but the upside is that I am getting some decent hours at Pranna in the meantime. I will trudge through, I have been quieter at work lately and I think people are sensing a sort of detachment. Maybe everyone else is detaching too, I can never really tell if they were detached in the first place.

I've also discovered that my notion for the romantic has subsided significantly. I've come to believe that life comes before love, because it is life that supports love, and without a strong foundation, you have something that is merely an imitation. Something that is doomed to fail. That is what makes love so tragic... people forget that love can not survive on its own, it has to feed on something else. Life. Life is what makes it stronger: when two people come together that are full of life, success, have a reputation, have happiness, fulfillment, everything they could wish for on their own, they then have the incredible privilege of sharing it with someone irreplaceably special. But if you are searching for love to fill in that missing piece, and you go through life always acknowledging and complaining and hoping for that missing piece, you forget what life's about, and love becomes tragedy. Because at that point, why are you loving? You are not loving to share, you are loving to take.

I want to love to share. And that is why I am getting my shit together, because my life is going to be awesome. Eventually... With a lot of hard work, shitty nights, early mornings, and cheap meals... And that moment... the moment when life doesn't seem to have any way of getting better... that's the moment when you realize it's only just begun. And there is so much more... There always is. Each moment is equally important as the next.

The past two months have filled me so much with life I've become addicted. I never want to stop living it.

heaven is not a place

pick up your bag and walk to school
check yourself in the mirror before work
twist up the lipstick before the date
call around for the meeting place

put your pen to the paper
put on your best clothes
put your hand over their shoulder
and look around you

your favorite spot
your inside jokes
your tears of joy
your nine to five

the lights are bright
the air is crisp
the room is dark
the meal is amazing

heaven is all around
in the places,
the people,
the possibilities,

the experience.

it's open 24 hours,
on christmas,
and all other major holidays

but the doors won't open until you find them

Drunk Night @ Pub After Work

I'm not gonna hold your hand here when you walk...

I have to say, that tonight was an amazing night. I am sitting here, on my bed, at 6am, and I am loving everything. It could be because I'm little bit intoxicated (not too intoxicated to type) and that I am reaching a new chapter (everything's about chapters! Like life is some sort of novel...),  and that... I love the people that I work with. And I had an incredible night with them. So this is what "let's go get a drink" is all about.

I guess Lauren is right. Maybe I'm still a "noobie".

Amazing. Life keeps getting better. More complicated, yes, but better. Because when was complicated a bad thing?

I'm gonna.... yeah.